Riding Uphill Into The Wind
Wanna know something really sad about my life? When I was in high school, I played baseball. I ran around out on a field for 2 years. I did quit when it got to be such a "clique" sport, and all the guys that played were friends---and I was not. In order to keep in shape for this sport, I used to ride my bike around the block.
Now, to some of you, a bicycle trip around the block may mean nothing, but to me back then, living out in the country in Michigan, that trip was just shy of 3 miles, and I did it twice a day six days a week. It only took me a total of about an hour to an hour and fifteen minutes, depending on weather conditions. It's a little more difficult to ride a bike uphill into the wind.
Ever since I quit playing baseball though, it's pretty much been an "uphill" battle for me, in regards to every aspect of life.
I started working at Mcdonald's back then. Who knew that I would end up working there for 7 years? I stuck with this all the way through college, but to no avail. And what of college? What use have I put my college degree to? None. I got my associates degree in psychology, and it is sitting in a dusty box somewhere, yellowing with age.
Even now, working in my current job as a produce assistant manager and retail slave, I have no goals, no ambitions, and seemingly no hope for the future. The only thing that has interested me lately has been writing, hence the onslaught of blogs. I used to love to write---in high school and college, writing was my passion.
I have become passionless. Not only in work, but in other areas as well. I don't seem to be able to fall in love with people anymore. Sure, there are friends that I love. Everyone has at least one friend that they love. Some like me are lucky enough to have a few. That's not what I'm disputing. I am disputing the fact that no matter what I try, no matter how hard I try to do it--I am always struggling.
Whether it be at work, at home, or even regarding that pesky issue of sexuality. I have a few friends that know the real me, and a few friends that don't, and a few that know that don't want to accept it. I have no real outlets at work. I go in to work and plaster a fake smile on my face for the whole day, and by the time I get home, my face hurts. It feels good to scowl when I get home, and it feels good to come sit at the computer and write something down...because I don't have to smile at anyone.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just upset with myself because I'm almost 30 years old and have no career goals to speak of. Maybe I'm upset because I wished I had lived a different life, and just been able to come out to everyone right in the beginning, and not have been so terrified of the world and the reactions. Maybe I'm just feeling lonely, and unloved by somebody that I WANT to receive love from.
Maybe I'm just talking shit because at 4:45 in the morning, I have nothing better to do as the rest of my friends around the world are sound asleep, and I'm the only asshole that HAS to get up this early to go to work. I can't wait to see what develops in the next few months.
Now, to some of you, a bicycle trip around the block may mean nothing, but to me back then, living out in the country in Michigan, that trip was just shy of 3 miles, and I did it twice a day six days a week. It only took me a total of about an hour to an hour and fifteen minutes, depending on weather conditions. It's a little more difficult to ride a bike uphill into the wind.
Ever since I quit playing baseball though, it's pretty much been an "uphill" battle for me, in regards to every aspect of life.
I started working at Mcdonald's back then. Who knew that I would end up working there for 7 years? I stuck with this all the way through college, but to no avail. And what of college? What use have I put my college degree to? None. I got my associates degree in psychology, and it is sitting in a dusty box somewhere, yellowing with age.
Even now, working in my current job as a produce assistant manager and retail slave, I have no goals, no ambitions, and seemingly no hope for the future. The only thing that has interested me lately has been writing, hence the onslaught of blogs. I used to love to write---in high school and college, writing was my passion.
I have become passionless. Not only in work, but in other areas as well. I don't seem to be able to fall in love with people anymore. Sure, there are friends that I love. Everyone has at least one friend that they love. Some like me are lucky enough to have a few. That's not what I'm disputing. I am disputing the fact that no matter what I try, no matter how hard I try to do it--I am always struggling.
Whether it be at work, at home, or even regarding that pesky issue of sexuality. I have a few friends that know the real me, and a few friends that don't, and a few that know that don't want to accept it. I have no real outlets at work. I go in to work and plaster a fake smile on my face for the whole day, and by the time I get home, my face hurts. It feels good to scowl when I get home, and it feels good to come sit at the computer and write something down...because I don't have to smile at anyone.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just upset with myself because I'm almost 30 years old and have no career goals to speak of. Maybe I'm upset because I wished I had lived a different life, and just been able to come out to everyone right in the beginning, and not have been so terrified of the world and the reactions. Maybe I'm just feeling lonely, and unloved by somebody that I WANT to receive love from.
Maybe I'm just talking shit because at 4:45 in the morning, I have nothing better to do as the rest of my friends around the world are sound asleep, and I'm the only asshole that HAS to get up this early to go to work. I can't wait to see what develops in the next few months.
posted by Scooter at 1:40 AM
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