What do you do when you're not friends with your friends anymore?
One day, I met this guy named Sean. He was a really cool guy to chat with, a little scatterbrained at times, but hey, aren't we all about certain things? Well, our friendship was swiftly developed--we had so much in common at the time. We were both single, fed up with the whole dating scene to the point where we wanted friendships--something that does NOT come easily in the world of the homosexual. To every gay man I make friends with, I make 50 straight friends. That's just the way of things. Needless to say, I don't have many gay friends. Never have. Almost all of my friends are straight women, with a handful of their husbands and boyfriends thrown in for good measure.
Sean was different.
We just...CLICKED. We did tons of stuff together, I hung out at his house and he cooked dinner, then we'd watch movies and sit up laughing and talking for half the night. I met his parents and his aunt and his HOT closeted cousin, LOL. I really felt that special bond of a lasting friendship with this guy. It took several months for all of this to happen, mind you, it was NOT an overnight thing.
Then, one day, toward the end of last summer, Sean met somebody. A guy. A gay guy. Suddenly--he was spending all of his time with him, and they were dating and having sex. The friendship we had spent all summer building? Forgotten about. I was instantly demoted to a random phone call once or twice a week, and then once in a while, they would invite me to do something with the two of them out of pity. I had, once again, become the third wheel. I hate being the third wheel.
So, time passes by, Sean's birthday comes, and I go out of my way to make his day a special one. I buy him a couple of nice albeit small gifts, and I go to his house at night, tie balloons to his door, and leave a card for him that tells him my feelings on the relationship we had developed, and how much I cared for him and appreciated the friendship.
Christmas then came, and I was invited over.
For a pity meal.
I went.
It was not pleasant, but I fake my emotions well. I've had years if not DECADES of practice.
My birthday came at the beginning of February. I guess I should mention that in this time, I had once visited Sean and for SOME reason, he asked me not tell his boyfriend that I had visited that night. Now, I WORK with his boyfriend. We speak to each other almost every day. He KNOWS Sean and I were very good friends.
I made an offhand comment about the last time I'd seen Sean. This apparently instigated a fight between the two of them. Sean called me in a huff, demanding to know why I'd told his boyfriend ON PURPOSE that we'd hung out for a few hours one night, then he hung up on me.
A month went by with no phone call.
He missed my birthday.
I finally decided enough had been enough, so I called him.
He now pretends as though nothing has happened, or changed.
I am not sure what to do, because I have never been able to maintain a friendship with any gay man over they years. I had hoped, though, that Sean was someone special, and that petty things like that could be overlooked.
Maybe I was wrong.
Sean and his boyfriend went on vacation last week. I bumped into Sean right before they left to get on an airplane. He looked at me, touched my arm and I think he wanted me to hug him. All I could mutter to him was, "have a nice trip", and I walked away.
That brings us to...now.
Was I wrong to not really acknowledge his attempt at looking for friendship? He really kinda hurt my feelings by not even calling me on my birthday because he was upset over a stupid little thing that I apologized for weeks beforehand.
I don't know what to do. I never do in situations like these, which is one of the primary reasons I am still alone.
What do you think?
SG
Sean was different.
We just...CLICKED. We did tons of stuff together, I hung out at his house and he cooked dinner, then we'd watch movies and sit up laughing and talking for half the night. I met his parents and his aunt and his HOT closeted cousin, LOL. I really felt that special bond of a lasting friendship with this guy. It took several months for all of this to happen, mind you, it was NOT an overnight thing.
Then, one day, toward the end of last summer, Sean met somebody. A guy. A gay guy. Suddenly--he was spending all of his time with him, and they were dating and having sex. The friendship we had spent all summer building? Forgotten about. I was instantly demoted to a random phone call once or twice a week, and then once in a while, they would invite me to do something with the two of them out of pity. I had, once again, become the third wheel. I hate being the third wheel.
So, time passes by, Sean's birthday comes, and I go out of my way to make his day a special one. I buy him a couple of nice albeit small gifts, and I go to his house at night, tie balloons to his door, and leave a card for him that tells him my feelings on the relationship we had developed, and how much I cared for him and appreciated the friendship.
Christmas then came, and I was invited over.
For a pity meal.
I went.
It was not pleasant, but I fake my emotions well. I've had years if not DECADES of practice.
My birthday came at the beginning of February. I guess I should mention that in this time, I had once visited Sean and for SOME reason, he asked me not tell his boyfriend that I had visited that night. Now, I WORK with his boyfriend. We speak to each other almost every day. He KNOWS Sean and I were very good friends.
I made an offhand comment about the last time I'd seen Sean. This apparently instigated a fight between the two of them. Sean called me in a huff, demanding to know why I'd told his boyfriend ON PURPOSE that we'd hung out for a few hours one night, then he hung up on me.
A month went by with no phone call.
He missed my birthday.
I finally decided enough had been enough, so I called him.
He now pretends as though nothing has happened, or changed.
I am not sure what to do, because I have never been able to maintain a friendship with any gay man over they years. I had hoped, though, that Sean was someone special, and that petty things like that could be overlooked.
Maybe I was wrong.
Sean and his boyfriend went on vacation last week. I bumped into Sean right before they left to get on an airplane. He looked at me, touched my arm and I think he wanted me to hug him. All I could mutter to him was, "have a nice trip", and I walked away.
That brings us to...now.
Was I wrong to not really acknowledge his attempt at looking for friendship? He really kinda hurt my feelings by not even calling me on my birthday because he was upset over a stupid little thing that I apologized for weeks beforehand.
I don't know what to do. I never do in situations like these, which is one of the primary reasons I am still alone.
What do you think?
SG
posted by Scooter at 2:19 PM
4 Comments:
First, a question: Weren't you, at one point, interested in more than just friendship with him? I know you mentioned being uncertain whether he felt the same way. Do you still harbor those feelings? If so, they are bound to seep through in your interaction with him and maybe contribute to any standoffish-ness you might perceive in Sean.
Second: I've never had any close female friends, but I have heard that when two female friends are practically inseparable and one of them meets a boy and starts dating, the friendship suffers initially, because the girl is smitten with her new man and wants to spend all her time with him. I know I've read/heard about countless women lamenting the fact that they never see their best friend anymore. So, what you went through isn't unusual, it seems. Especially when he later started making an effort to include you in activities.
Now... him asking you to not mention your visit to the bf sounds fishy to me. Either Sean has done stuff to give the bf reason to suspect hanky-panky, or the bf is just one of those jealous types. Either way-- not good.
If this were a guy you were dating, I'd say proceed with caution, but if he's just a purely platonic friend, I'd say reach out and give him one more chance. All friendships have their ups and downs, and all friends goof up to one another at times. And in all honesty, I don't see Sean as having done anything so critical that it's grounds for dissolving the friendship.
In response to your initial question. Yes. For a couple of weeks. That quickly dissolved as our friendship grew, however, into the completely platonic state that it reached at the peak of our friendship in the early summer of last year.
I guess it shouldn't surprise me, really. I just hoped that he would be the one gay friend I'd actually be able to keep when he started dating someone and I didn't. Alas, such things are not meant to be, as I lose most of my close friends this way over the passage of time. I don't harbor jealously or regret over it--I just wish some things didn't have to change. Aren't friendships, true ones, supposed to last forever?
The thing with his boyfriend is totally weird, for more than one reason. I almost never see them together, as Sean only calls me now when he's not with him, but I see the boyfriend practically every day at work. We don't work in the same department or anything, but I always stop and say hi to him in an attempt to be socialable. He is, after all, dating one of my best friends.
I appreciate the advice from someone NOT involved in the situation. It's why I wrote about it, hoping that one or two of you out there might still look at this blog from time to time, LOL.
We'll see how things go when they get back from California next week.
I think I see part of the problem:
Aren't friendships, true ones, supposed to last forever?
Yes, but that doesn't mean they don't change in how the friends actually interact. Friendships are dynamic. As we get older, as situations change, we change in how we relate to each other. Just as we grow and mature as individual human beings, so do our relationships.
And the real friendships, while never retaining the same characteristics as the beginning, WILL last throughout the times and changing circumstances. You don't have to hang out several times a week to still be good friends.
So... just because you're interacting in a different way than you used to, doesn't mean you've lost the friendship. If push came to shove, would he be there for you? If you needed a shoulder to lean on, if you needed advice, if you needed an ear to listen, could he make himself available the best he could? If so, then that's a real friendship, even if you don't see each other as often as you used to.
As for the whole boyfriend situation, yeah, I don't know what to make of it. Like I said, I suspect either Sean has done something in the past to warrant current suspicions, or the boyfriend is the naturally jealous type. Now there's a bit of drama that you'd probably do best to stay out of ;-)
"If push came to shove, would he be there for you? If you needed a shoulder to lean on, if you needed advice, if you needed an ear to listen, could he make himself available the best he could?"
I hate to say this, but I think the answer to this question is no.
I totally get what you're saying about the dynamics of your friendships with people changing over the years though.
Do you see what I'm saying though? Just ONCE I would like to be able to maintain a friendship with a gay man. I know other men who have dozens of gay friends, they all have these huge social circles and I want that too. I have tried so many times over the years--but it seems that EVERY time I make friends with a gay man, it's all fun and woo-hoo's for the first few months, then he finds a boyfriend, then I'm instantly forgotten about. It's like a vicious life cycle that, for some reason, I am not able to break free of.
Perhaps the problem IS with me, as I am not really comfortable in being a third wheel. I am ALWAYS the single one in the group if my friends do invite me to do something with them. No matter how good a friendship you might have with someone, seeing all your friends with their loved ones while you sit there by yourself DOES make you feel just a little bit worse.
I think I'll just have to talk to him when he gets back from California and go from there. I really want to stay friends with him, but I have no idea what he wants, for the simple fact that we haven't really talked in such a long time.
You know that stuff like this usually doesn't bother me as I mostly keep my emotions in check behind their walls--but DAMN IT, I don't want to lose this friend, and I needed to get this stuff out there, if for no other reason than to keep my OWN sanity! :~)
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