Chance be the one, because 144 miles is all the difference in the world

One year ago today, I met a man by the name of Rob that I was really starting to like. Yes, we met online, in a chat room, and we chatted for several weeks. Our IM's quickly turned to voice chats, and our voice chats quickly evolved to phone conversations, and this went on for about a month. As luck would have it, he was planning on doing some shopping one Saturday afternoon, so lo and behold, as soon as I got off work, I drove to a neighboring city to meet him, our first actual "date" as it would be.

We had a fantastic time. Dinner quickly turned into more shopping, more shopping led to a trip to a bowling alley for a few games of friendly spare shooting (he used my ball and nearly did as well as me and he hadn't bowled in 5 years, LOL), and finally, a trip to the casino ended our evening where we shared laughs and I even won $150 on a penny slot machine on my FIRST spin, LOL. We hit a local Starbucks drive thru and got coffee's and hot chocolates all around, then went and parked at the local beach which was thankfully deserted, being as it was the middle of March, LOL, and overlooked a moonlit and crystal clear lake Michigan while sipping on our hot drinks. (It was in the mid 60's already at this point last year, so fret not. We weren't freezing our butts off!)

We sat at the beach for a few hours talking, and around 1 in the morning, it was finally time for us to part ways. I drove him back to his car, and before getting out, we chatted a little more, trying to decide when we wanted to get together again. "As soon as possible," was all I could think, but I kept my emotions to myself---for that single moment. He remained in my car for a moment, and we looked at each other. "Rob," I said, "If you don't get into your car right now, I'm just going to kiss you."

"Hmm," he said as he thought about it. "I think I'd prefer it if you kissed me."

Well, from there, I won't get into the steamy details, short of saying that there was definite electricity there, a kind of spark that I hadn't felt for a really really long time.

Fast forward a few months, after another date and countless continuing phone calls, when I'm really starting to feel like this could be the guy for me. I even spent an entire weekend with him at his house. He took me out to dinner one night, cooked dinner for me another night---it was a heavenly weekend, and to those of you reading this, at this point, you should remember when I blogged about the exotic asian and korean produce---that was during the weekend that I spent with Rob.

But, as it is, a 144 mile distance separates us. He lives halfway down the state of Indiana, and I am the southwest corner of Michigan. Not a great distance, no. A drive I made in 2 hours, sure. But bad weather and adverse conditions for both of us, IE, crazy work schedules on my part, and Rob not having a car for a while on his part---drove us apart.

It happens. Friends drift apart--especially friends made online. I felt a real connection to this man though--one that I had not felt in a long time. We had even talked briefly about my moving to Lafayette with him---finding a job in one of the vast arrays of produce departments in the 75,000 population town, compared to Stevensville vast population of about 2,000, LOL. Things never panned out. We did not get a chance to talk at all through the holidays, save for a christmas card shared on both our parts. I finally broke down and called him about a week before VD last month, just to hear his voice. It had been so long since we'd spoken---I don't know why I waited so long, actually. I guess I just thought that the distance between us may have split up our blossoming friendship as well.

I wasn't really correct. We spent over 4 hours on the phone that night, catching up on one anothers' lives and just talking about how much we missed one another and wished things had worked out differently for us both.

Now, on this, the one year later point of the first time we met in person, I find myself really missing him a lot. I wish I could see him, hug him, and tell him how much he meant to me. How much he still does mean to me. I think about him almost every day. But--now that so much time has passed--I am afraid to tell him these things. I am afraid to open up to him. I am afraid of the always inevitable shoot down that comes whenever I have feelings for a guy.

Does anyone else miss the days when we were kids and all you had to do was pass a note over to Jonny or Suzie that said "Do you want to go steady? Circle one. Yes or no." LOL---because I sure do!

It's too complicated now. And the distance doesn't help matters any. Is 2 hours enough to separate a man from the man he could possibly say is the one? Would he feel the same? These are questions I am terrified to ask, and therefore, don't know if I ever will. Could I live with myself if I let him go? Could he?

At present------I just don't know what to do.

Picking up the spare......egg

I've been pretty adamant over the last several years about not wanting to ever have kids. No need to worry about that during a relationship, haha. Not without some kind of miracle anyway. But the thought has always lingered in the back of my mind. What if, by some miracle chance happening, I ever did have a long term relationship with a man who wanted a family? I know there are tons of options out there, first and foremost being adoption for a two dad family. This decision would not come lightly. I MIGHT be willing to think about it, for the man that I loved.

Here's the thing.

I don't have a female friend who would want to have a child, if the adoption thing didn't pan out and we wanted to have a kid of our own. Would he? Perhaps. But the point is, even if fatherhood ever did become a need in my life, I don't have a woman in my life who would be my spare egg. I used to think that my friend Andrea and I would make great choices for male and female..uh...parts...to mix and match and boom, there's our kid! But now, she's married and has children of her own. That is no longer a viable option, as I'm sure she'd have no interest in being inseminated with my sperm at this point in her life.

There is probably one other woman that I might consider asking, but she already has two kids of her own too, and I highly doubt that she'd be willing to go through it all again.

So, that's it. Even if I ever did do a complete 180 in my life, settle down and live happily ever after with the man of my dreams---well---maybe HIS dreams at the very least---there would be no chance of us having a child of our own.

I guess it doesn't really matter. Because---ECK---a kid! What the hell am I even thinking about this for?

I'd better stop before I make myself lose consciousness, hehehe.