Riding Uphill Into The Wind

Wanna know something really sad about my life? When I was in high school, I played baseball. I ran around out on a field for 2 years. I did quit when it got to be such a "clique" sport, and all the guys that played were friends---and I was not. In order to keep in shape for this sport, I used to ride my bike around the block.

Now, to some of you, a bicycle trip around the block may mean nothing, but to me back then, living out in the country in Michigan, that trip was just shy of 3 miles, and I did it twice a day six days a week. It only took me a total of about an hour to an hour and fifteen minutes, depending on weather conditions. It's a little more difficult to ride a bike uphill into the wind.

Ever since I quit playing baseball though, it's pretty much been an "uphill" battle for me, in regards to every aspect of life.

I started working at Mcdonald's back then. Who knew that I would end up working there for 7 years? I stuck with this all the way through college, but to no avail. And what of college? What use have I put my college degree to? None. I got my associates degree in psychology, and it is sitting in a dusty box somewhere, yellowing with age.

Even now, working in my current job as a produce assistant manager and retail slave, I have no goals, no ambitions, and seemingly no hope for the future. The only thing that has interested me lately has been writing, hence the onslaught of blogs. I used to love to write---in high school and college, writing was my passion.

I have become passionless. Not only in work, but in other areas as well. I don't seem to be able to fall in love with people anymore. Sure, there are friends that I love. Everyone has at least one friend that they love. Some like me are lucky enough to have a few. That's not what I'm disputing. I am disputing the fact that no matter what I try, no matter how hard I try to do it--I am always struggling.

Whether it be at work, at home, or even regarding that pesky issue of sexuality. I have a few friends that know the real me, and a few friends that don't, and a few that know that don't want to accept it. I have no real outlets at work. I go in to work and plaster a fake smile on my face for the whole day, and by the time I get home, my face hurts. It feels good to scowl when I get home, and it feels good to come sit at the computer and write something down...because I don't have to smile at anyone.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just upset with myself because I'm almost 30 years old and have no career goals to speak of. Maybe I'm upset because I wished I had lived a different life, and just been able to come out to everyone right in the beginning, and not have been so terrified of the world and the reactions. Maybe I'm just feeling lonely, and unloved by somebody that I WANT to receive love from.

Maybe I'm just talking shit because at 4:45 in the morning, I have nothing better to do as the rest of my friends around the world are sound asleep, and I'm the only asshole that HAS to get up this early to go to work. I can't wait to see what develops in the next few months.

It's My Blog, and I'll Say What I Want To!

I have this problem, see. I have a roommate, a friend, Julie. She makes me soooo crazy sometimes I can barely stand it. Other times, we have a total blast together!

She is waaaaay too out of her mind with a crush on me. I've told her over and over and over that she needs to just get over it, but no results have been produced.

She is planning to move out, probably by years' end. I am not looking forward to shouldering all of the bills myself, but I am ready to live alone. I've been ready for quite some time. She has little quirks that bother me, just as I'm sure I have some that bother her. You know, you just learn to live with stuff like that though. I don't know what else to say.

I will miss her when she goes, but I'll also be doing a little happy dance. Funny thing.

I'm still kind of waiting to see if she tracks me down here. I won't really know if she does or not, because I'm sure she won't comment even if she does find this blog.

How sad is that? Even here, with this new blog that I just started today that no one else knows about, and I'm still hesitant to write anything about my life. Who I am. Where I hope to be going. Whom I'm speaking to online. Life shouldn't be like that. Unfortunately, mine is, every single day. I'm ready to move on.

The Dawn of a New Era

Okay, okay, so here I go. A third blog. I hope that this one remains a little more, shall we say private? I know, blogs aren't meant to be private. They are meant for you to share your life with the world.

My myspace blog is great, and I enjoy posting my rants about work and life there. Sometimes I have more personal things to talk about though. I cannot talk about those things there, or on grab. Too many people that I don't want reading those blogs visit them daily.

Plus, with over 400 hits a day from total strangers that never comment on myspace---yeah, let's just say I needed to find another spot, a slightly more private hidey-hole. Perhaps I should change the name of this blog, eh? We'll see.

So this is just the beginning. I wanted to get my account all set up, get things ready to go, fill in a tad bit of info on my profile this morning. I have many more things to say, so stay stuned!