Does it Hurt When You Do THIS??

I am going to be 30 years old soon, and this got me to thinking about something rather strange. My mom was 30 years old when she had me. My father was 24. They had been married for almost 2 years, and were well on their way to having their lives settled in for the long haul.

30 years later, they are still married, I'm gettin old, and the worst part is that when I think of them and what life must have been like for them at the time, my life seems like a somewhat useless thing in comparison. I live alone now, with my cat. I am not in a relationship, I don't see myself being in one anytime soon, and what's more, even though I've been single for over 8 years now, I'm not even sure I WANT to be in one.

First of all, getting married and having a kid would be a little more difficult in my case, LOL. Secondly, I don't like kids. Kids have been the end of so many of my friendships, I can't even begin to explain. The one person I care for most in the world besides my folks is my friend Andrea. We've known each other for 23 years. I've seen her twice this year, for about an hour each time. She got married to a guy who already had 3 kids of his own, and they have one, so boom, instant family, and no time for anything else. I mean, I don't blame her....it's the life she always dreamed of having---but when we DO get a chance to talk on the phone or IM for a while...she sounds exhausted, and furthermore, TIRED of having to take care of them all. I sometimes wonder if it's more than she was bargaining for, but it's too late to turn back now.

Not only that, kids are expensive. They take up a lot of time and energy. I have the time. What I don't have is the money. I am barely making it taking care of just myself, so there's no way I could afford a kid, especially with everything as expensive as it is nowadays. And, in order to have a kid, I'd have to have sex with a woman, which, frankly, is not tops on my list of things to do......=P

I don't know---sometimes I sit back and look onto the lives of all my friends with envious eyes. Seems everyone either has or is getting everything they want, everything they need, and it just comes to them with no effort whatsoever. I know that's not the case, but in recent weeks, especially with the finances that I'm now having to deal with, and with the fact that all the rest of my friends are just having money handed over to them, it's just hard to not look upon life with a cynical eye. Speaking of money being handed to people, I just found out that ANOTHER friend of mine from work won over $2,000 playing bingo a few nights ago. Bingo! Can you freaking believe that? She spent $4 on her cards and was rewarded with a $2,079 prize at the end of the night. Fucking unreal. I can't even win $2 on a scratch off lottery ticket.....

I need something to go right in my life, and I need it soon. I need to find a new job, something I am looking into for myself at the moment, something that pays at least a LITTLE more than what I am earning now. I need a friend to talk to, someone I can always count on to be there--something I just don't have at the moment, despite all of my friends all over the world on the internet. I don't have someone that I can just call up and say "hey, let's go have a cup of coffee and talk for a while". I don't have anyone to hold at night while I sleep. My body pillow bears the brunt of my nighttime affections. So much that almost every morning when I wake up, the silly thing has escaped the bed and is curled up on the floor next to the bed.....Love you too Mr. Pillow. And I am as old as my parents were when they had me and were settling into their lives for the long haul.

I wonder what my long haul is going to turn out to be. I wish I had some kind of an idea....any clue would be great. But for now, I sit watching this November thunderstorm in Michigan and wait.....

Surreal and Sarcastic, Just the Way I Like My Humor

I found these guys over on YouTube, Barats and Bereta, they are freaking hilarious. I will blog more of their videos here for the one or two people that probably read this blog. It's more for me to ask if anyone out there knows the name and artist of the song that starts playing at 1:16 in this video. LOVE that song, but have no idea who it is....

You Get Me So Excited...

You know, some people that I know find these moderately hairy guys to be a bit off-putting, and some others find them seriously sexy. I fall in with the latter---I can't help myself! I start drooling every time I see this pic of Mr. Gyllenhaal. YUMMY! The mess of dark hair, the stubble, the eyes, the boyish good looks, the body---I'll go brokeback with you anytime Jake, LOL!

You're One Percent Dream, Ninety nine Bull Sh*t

I know a lot of people that are heavily dependent upon their parents. Not so odd you may say? These people are between the ages of 25 and 40. Okay. So the 25 year old that still lives at home with his mom and dad with no bills to pay and comes into work flaunting his new Ipod's, cell phones, hundred dollar sunglasses......partially ok. I moved out my parents house when I was 22, and in reality, if I had waited a few more years to leave, things may have worked out better than they have for me right now. I just couldn't take living in the basement anymore, and hell, it was my mom and dads house. I was usually only home about two days out of seven every week anyway. I would usually crash at any number of my friends' houses when I was in college because I was far far too drunk to even think about driving home anyway! Once I did move out, though, things became totally different, as I had my OWN place, and I was staying home far more frequently than I ever did before.

Now, the older adults I know? One guy is nearly 40 years old and he still lives in the same house with his mother---he has a car payment and insurance, pays one credit card bill, and that's about it. Free room and board. Free meals. Free everything. Of course, as far as anyone knows, he's still a virgin, but that's beside the point. He works at a flea market and sells trading cards and beanie babies to have cash for spending on things like gas and bowling, and that's all he does. His friends buy everything else for him. Trips to Cedar Point, weekends away in Chicago, flights to Vegas. Just about anything he wants.

My just moved out roommate got to move into a house that her mother completely renovated. Now, she of course organized all the work that needed to be done, but her mother paid for everything. So now she has a nice two story house to live in with minimal bills to pay, and pretty much stuffed everything here right up my ass. I CAN afford to live by myself with only one job, but just barely. Once I have all my bills paid for the month, I will have about $300 left over to spend on things like gasoline, food, and bowling. Thank god I don't smoke anymore! If I hadn't quit at the beginning of this year, I'd certainly have to now. I spent about $1,500 on cigarettes per year when I did smoke. How pathetic is that??

Anyway, the point is, all these people I know always have financial stuff fall right into place for them, and everything gets handed to them on silver platters, or at least silver plated ones. I work hard every day, come home and sit around, and just lump it because I can barely afford to do anything else. What I am doing wrong? Why don't I just move back in with my parents (or right next door to them like the ex roomie) and just let them deal with all the financial shit for a while? I'm sure my mom would be thrilled if I lived back at the house. She has separation issues as I am an only child and all....

Oh yeah, I remember. I like being on my own, away from my parents. It's not that I don't love them. I do. I just don't want them to have to support me, or feel like they have to. I want to live my own life. There must be something terribly wrong in my brain for me to want independence, and more importantly, a place to call my own that I pay for with my own money.

But oops, I'm just a little peon who rents. I will never own this place. Not unless my landlord dies and he forgets to tell his heirs that I am living here.....then maybe one day I can just forget to pay my rent and not have anything come of it. My friends who don't pay rent, or who pay very little rent don't ever have to worry about that.

Because as it is right now, everyone is getting what they want and what they need but me. When is it going to be my turn?? I can hardly wait to see what comes when my time arrives. It better be good.....

Do You Ever Sit Here Staring at the Screen for 15 Minutes Trying to Think of a Clever Title?

Hello blog. It's been a while since I've used you. I wish you would remind me to stop by from time to time, because I simply forget about you. I'm sorry. =)

Nah, I just thought I would stop in here with life updates. Or is that the lack of a life? I can hardly tell the difference anymore. I often times wonder what my life will be like 20, 10, or hell, even 5 years from now. Will I still be in the same house, doing the same job, or will I be living out in California with friends, or maybe I'll meet someone and we will live together. The future is an uncertain destiny in my case, and as I am getting closer and closer to being 30 years old, it's really starting to bother me. I wish my life had more direction. I wish I was interested in something more than what I am doing right now. What I am doing right now doesn't even really interest me, in the case of my work. It's just something to do to pay the bills, a fact that is apparently lost on everyone at work. Our managers seem to think we are supposed to care about a store that they don't care about themselves, for the lowest possible pay they can afford to give us and keep us working. What I earn at my job for the shit that I have to put up with on a daily basis is an absolute joke. Once Julie moves out of the house, which should be done by the end of this week, there are only a few things that are going to happen.

One, I'll be spending all my spare time at home, because once she is gone and I have to pay all the bills, I will have no money left over to do anything else, other than buy a few groceries and put gas in my car to drive back and forth to work.

Two, I will be spending a lot more time alone than I am accustomed to. I am looking forward to the me time, but I also find myself wondering---how is the solitude going to affect my attitude, and my views on the world? Will it suffer for it, or will I become a happier person in the process? I guess time will tell.

Three, I probably won't be decorating my house for Christmas this year, because once she is gone and takes her christmas tree with her, I won't even be able to afford to buy a tree. Which does not bode well for the prospects of gifts. I won't be able to buy any christmas gifts at all this year, which sickens me. Nothing for my mom and dad, nothing for my handful of best friends that I have always bought for. All I'll be able to afford this year is a card, a hug, and a "Merry Christmas" wish from me to you. Such is life, I suppose. I don't know how people with families do it from year to year. Of course with families, there are TWO incomes to depend upon, or at least there SHOULD be. I wouldn't really know. I'll never have a family.

Of course, that option suits me just fine. I don't really like kids anyway, which everyone probably knows at this point, and of course, there is the whole gay thing too....two men, the last time I studied up on it, are not capable of producing a child. LOL. But yeah right---even the guy that I have been speaking to recently has pretty much up and vanished into the wind. I haven't spoken to him for days, nor has he made any effort to contact me, whether it be an email, an instant message...nothing at all. I don't know why I continue to bother. Nobody ever does anything but disappoint me. But then again, that's why I have so many good friends online now. My friends online---when they are on, it's all great, and we can chat away. But you don't feel that sadness when they are not there, because you know they are simply busy, or working, or sleeping, or anything for that matter. They are only a few clicks of the keyboard away. In real life, people are much more complex than that---and I have simply grown tired of dealing with the day to day dramas of these people---it's too much. I have my own shit to worry about. I don't burden the world or my friends with my money problems, my loneliness issues, or anything else for that matter. But for some reason---the people that I meet in the real world have got problems and more problems that interfere with life, with getting to know one another, with lusting after someone you can't have........

Sorry, I got a little off track there. Life is a bitch, and then you die, right? True of everyone I suppose, and it's pointless to go on about it. I guess I could just summarize that last paragraph to read "I miss Jt and hope he gets things figured out soon." There, easy enough!

Now, I must get up off of this chair, go stretch my legs and get myself a bowl of cereal. Work is going to be so much fun today! It's Thanksgiving week, after all, and people come out in droves when the holidays roll around. It's like that scene in that movie where the two ladies were fighthing over that last ham.....you have no idea how insane these people get. And there I am, right in the middle of it, plodding on with my pointless job....joy joy.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I Always Say I'm Sorry

You know, given my history in the past 7 years that I have been single, a few things have been made abundantly clear to me. First, after sleeping alone for so long, and in an empty bed, I finally broke down and bought myself one of those silly long body pillows. I figured, hey, it might help with the warmth factor at night, and give me something to curl up to when needed. Nope. 9 times out of 10, that damn thing ends up on the floor in the morning, and my blankets are twisted around me in every which direction. Sometimes, my two regular pillows even end up on the floor. So I guess this first paragraph is an apology to the man or woman that shares my bed with me in the future---at any given time---because you will likely have bruises and cracks to the skull which result in progressive concussive injuries. Sorry about that!

Whenever I chat with a new guy online, which has been an on and off process for the last several years, all goes well in the beginning. Then I let my mind start to wander, and the resulting paragraph long IM's that I send are met with "Cool" "K" or "Yea" responses from 99.985% of gay or bisexual men out there. Hmmmm. Apparently, I use my brain a little too much, and should just stick to asking these dudes, "How hung are you?" and varying stages of the "What are you into?" types of questions. These elicit wordier and more meaningful responses than any of my rants against customers or dumbass people in general ever do. And I always say I'm sorry for venting my opinion so candidly to these poor fellas.

The other day, when I was chatting with Jt, I must've sent him 6 paragraphs on MSN, describing the shit day I'd had at work, the stupid people I encountered at the service desk, and the general idiocy of the human race as a whole. He never once replied to any of my rants. "Sorry," I said, and he jumped right back in with a, "That's okay, we all need to vent sometimes." Then he told me his cock was juicing up, and we went from there with the more suitable flirtations that men want to talk about. All men except this one.

I will admit, there is nothing wrong with talking about what you want to talk about. For me, that means baring my heart and soul---well, maybe not so much right away, but I do let loose with the opinions and the problems, and the general day to day uckiness I usually feel. Whoops, I'm sorry, I'm babbling on about nothing, aren't I? My bad.

Even when I'm at work, it's a constant battle with people. "Excuse me sir, there's no twist ties in this dispenser." "I'm sorry, let me just run right to the back and get some more while you stand here and wait for me." Instead, why not walk your happy ass five feet away to the NEXT fully charged twist tie dispenser? Lord almighty, but that would take an EENSY bit more effort on the part of a customer. We are supposed to pander to their high and mightiness. I always forget about that. Sorry. Then you get the one or two customers every week that are looking for an item that "St Joe" always has, but we never do. "Sorry, we don't carry that item here, you'll have to go to St Joe". Fuck, why the hell didn't you just go to St Joe in the first place since you already know that they carry that item there? Now, if this was a long cold disturbing ride through huge minefields and warzones, then yeah, maybe you could complain about it a lil bit. But nope--the St Joe store is about 4 miles away from ours---and it is on the SAME ROAD! You hang a right out of our parking lot, drive for 5 minutes, and Woosh! You're there! So stop whining about us not carrying an item that we NEVER sell anyway. We don't carry what you don't buy! All I can say is sorry. Nothing else I can do, because even if we DID want to order your oddball need, it wouldn't be in for a day or two anyway---and by then you could easily drive elsewhere for it!

I do find great humor value in the fact that I start writing about guys and useless relationships and end up ranting about work and the morons there---again. This is my life, and anyone who wants to share is welcome to it! I'm not selfish! LOL.....at least not when it comes to the crap I have to put up with every single day, day after day.

Sorry, can I offer you a refund for that?

Requiem for a Disillusioned Retail Slave

Whoops, I suddenly realized that I have another blog that I have neglected to post anything in for over a week. I knew having a third blog was going to be trying, but I didn't expect to forget about it entirely.

So, I have been getting absoluetly sick of my job in the past couple of weeks. It's really no one's fault--I am just tired of all of the bull shit that comes with working in customer service. I have been thinking lately--there are several local newspapers in this area that are always looking for articles, stories, and what not. Hmmm. I looked up the Lake Michigan College schedule on the net yesterday, and more hmmmm. They have a few journalism courses, and one of them includes lectures from a former staff member of the Herald Palladium, the newspaper for the St Joe/Benton Harbor/Stevensville area. The third hmmmm....I like to write. Or more to the point, I USED to like it. I wrote short stories, papers for my college classes that far surpassed the writing levels of anyone else in my classes. I always got straight A's in the writing classes--sure, my use of grammar and syntax has waned a bit since then, but that's mostly due to the world wide web---no one cares if you spell right or punctuate correctly, and it's more common to just figure out what someone is saying by the way it looks or sounds. Anyway, the point is---I am thinking of taking a few journalism classes, but I may not do it in the middle of winter as driving in this state in the winter is chore enough what with the snow and ice that we inevitably receive. Hell, it's already snowed once, and winter doesn't even officially start for another 6 weeks! And its supposed to snow again tonight. Doesn't everyone just want to move here to Michigan with me? LOL.

Things at home are fairly calm. The roommate has been minding her own business, and with her preparing to move out in the next month or so, she's been spending a lot of time over at her new place getting it cleaned up. She's also having a new roof put on, so that will take a little longer, but that is okay. We have been getting along all right since the news that she will be moving out for sure. Funny how that happens, right? You know what they say though---if you want to end a friendship, move in together! Works like a charm every time. But sadly, even after all she has done to me, I still care about maintaining a passable relationship with her. We've been friends for almost 6 years---it seems a shame to just throw it all away on a whim. But one thing is for sure, I no longer trust her with anything---I make sure that I turn everything off on the computer before I go anywhere, I've changed all my passwords to everything, AGAIN, and I don't leave my cell phone laying around, nor the bills, nor any other little notes that I may make for myself. She can't handle herself, she is nosy, but fortunately, I won't have to be dealing with it for very much longer. That is good news.

I have been talking to Jt online for a month now. It's funny, but I just realized the other day---we chat on MSN, gay.com, and myspace. We've done voice chats on MSN and we've had lunch together twice now. In this time---I've never even thought to ask him his last name. Nor have we exchanged phone numbers. Isn't that strange? I guess I'm going to have to get on top of doing those things, LOL, as he is such a nice fella, and I don't want to lose contact with my new friend. A real life friend, believe it or not! I still DO meet people from time to time. I know, it's amazing for a social recluse such as myself to actually get out there and meet a real person, but I took my friend Andrea's advice somewhat to heart when she said I should find a new friend, find someone to talk with, to laugh with, to do....other things with.....and it really stabbed me in the heart when the girl I've known since we were 6 years old told me that she didn't really know who I was anymore.

Hmmm---this blog ended up in a totally different place than where it started. I guess I had a few things to talk about, but that's okay. This is what happens when I don't have anyone else to talk to at 7:30 in the morning because almost all of the rest of the world is still asleep, LOL. I talk to the computer. Sometimes the computer is a stronger listener than any person. The computer doesn't mind if I swear, or if I give it a weeee bit too much information on occasion. The computer doesn't mind if I get up and ignore it for a while. The computer isn't judgmental--it agrees with whatever I type into it. And the computer is always here for me, barring any electrical failures, which actually don't happen here all that often. Unlike my parents, who live out in the sticks---countryside homes in Michigan, what a laugh. The wind blows in Arkansas, and their power goes out. LOL. Ahhhh, I miss the seclusion and the quiet living. I don't miss any other part about it. Funny that.

Well, I'd better get to posting this, and move on to something else. I was hoping Jt would log on to MSN this morning so we could share some more banter before I have to go to work, but that's another thing. I really have no idea what kind of schedule he truly keeps. I just know that he gets up almost as early as I do every day, and that he's online for a better part of the evening, when he's sitting downstairs, hiding out from his pseduo boyfriend that doesn't want to spend any time with him. Funny---I hide out in front of the computer when I want to get away from my roommate. But most of the time, we're not home together anyway. I guess that's another reason I'm going to be happier when she goes. More me time. Time to do what I want. When I want. And I can do it naked if I want. Ah, the freedom. I can't wait. =)